FORGIVING PEOPLE IS SELFISH

Allow me prove it.

Has anyone ever hurt you or taken advantage of you? Yes?

Then this diatribe is for you.

I have to admit that as a young man, if someone wronged me, then I’d make sure they regretted it. Simultaneously, I was raised by parents that stressed being someone who strives to do the right thing and look out for others.

Looking back at me then, it’s easy for me to now see that the vengeance thing didn’t quite fit the bulk of who I was, or wanted to be, as a person.

It took entirely too long for me to learn a better response to personal infractions.

When I was twenty-nine years old, I’d been a small business owner for three years, and a good three years it was, until a recession hit. I needed to find a second job, a night job, until I could get my business back on it’s feet.

A friend of mine introduced me to someone looking for sales reps to sell systems that helped homeowners regulate their electricity usage, thereby saving them money. When I got home, I looked into these devises, and they were indeed legit. They actually worked.

I sold many, many of these devices, sometimes not making it home until 1am. The guy paid me in full the first three weeks. I was his number one rep quickly, but then, he didn’t pay me. I called him and he said he was only one week behind and that he’d catch me up the next week, and to keep selling. I did, then he didn’t pay me again.

He owed me $4,800.00.

When I called him he had a fresh story and swore he would catch me up next week and to keep selling. Now is a good time to remind you that my business was on the ropes. I was working my business, and this night job, from about 7am to midnight, regularly, and I actually needed to support my wife and kids because, you know, they like to have food.

I needed him to pay me.

The next time I called him I told him that I would take him to small claims court. His response was, “Get in line.”

The next day, I called the County Court House, they gave me information and a form to fill out…and then the lady I was speaking with asked, “Do you want to pay an extra $20.00 to have the Sheriff show up to his business and serve him?”

That’s a big 10-4!

While all this was going on I had a business to save and my wife and I were paying our mortgage and buying groceries with a credit card. I was steaming mad and more than mildly desperate.

I was so upset I couldn’t sleep. I was distracted at home and at my business. All I could think about was getting paid from this Ponzi-scheme sleaze bag.

One night, laying in my bed, acid in my stomach, I did something that I’ve never done before. I’m not sure why I did it. To this day, I look back at that moment and think, “Where did that come from?”, because it was so out of character.

I got out of bed, went to the living room, went to the bookshelves and found an old bible that probably hadn’t been touched in a decade, or longer. I sat in my chair, ambers from that night’s fire were still glowing. The house was quiet.

I know how this sounds, but hang with me because I’m telling you something that happened to me and that changed my life.

I felt a little foolish but I said, “God, I don’t expect a miracle, but if you want help a brother out, I’d appreciate it.”

A less Catholic prayer I’ve never heard.

I opened the book randomly. I was expecting an ‘eye for an eye’ and some serious fire and brimstone for my boy, The Parasite. Unfortunately for me, I was in the New Testament.

I started reading and there I was, in Matthew 18:22, where Peter asks Jesus how many times he should forgive someone and Jesus says (depending on which translation you have), “Seven times, Seventy times.”

I snapped the book shut.

I mean, hold on now. Let’s think this through. Some people might deserve forgiveness, some may outrightly apologize and ask for your forgiveness, but some, who neither acknowledge their infraction, nor care, all the while you’re sitting around, festering, with your insides eating themselves, and he’s off somewhere drinking a cold Corona. What if I do nothing, doesn’t that encourage him to keep doing it and hurting others?

I needed to get this guy in the only language he understands.

I put the Bible back on the shelf, climbed in bed, and slept.

When I got up the next day something had changed.

I understood. I got it. I forgave him. From the minute I opened my eyes, it was gone, all the angst, all of the mental gymnastics, all the inability to focus, or work, or smile at my wife and kids, all of it was gone.

You know and I know that he didn’t deserve it. But here’s what happened next.

I threw one hundred percent of my energy back into my business, it was rough sledding, but three months later we were back to breaking even every month, and two months after that we had profits (my income). I never missed payroll the entire time and I always paid one hundred percent of my employees health insurance premiums.

I took the company national two years later and then was made an offer, and sold it, a year after that.

The moral of this story is I learned that I get the lions share of the benefit for forgiving someone, but you have to mean it. The good people will be closer friends for having gone through it and the bad people will still have to live their entire lives in the sad and lonely world of being a conniving thug.

I honestly can’t imagine the loneliness of living a life without ever trusting someone as people who know they are untrustworthy can never see past the haze of projecting themselves on everyone else and the world. Therefore, no one is trustworthy. So they live entire lives never being trusted by anyone. I’ve actually learned to feel sorry for them.

Forgiving someone does not in any way mean you have to keep them in your life.

It simply means you free yourself of the burdens others put on you.

It’s understanding that someone picked up a bat and hit you in the head and as long as you allow yourself to fester, boil, hate, and seek vengeance, then the more you allow them to continue the beatings…it’s self-flagellation at that point. They’re off somewhere having a beer and not thinking about you in the least. Stop allowing them to take considerable portions of your daily thoughts. Move on.

Everyone in your life will benefit from this newfound strength and enlightened way of living. Not allowing others to blow up your world, destroy the joy of family and friends, and of productivity, is a special kind of strength and knowledge. Pass it on to your children so they too will learn the power of forgiveness.

I feel certain that there are people walking around now who are still bothered by, and harbor deep negative emotions over, something that happened long ago.

It’s not worth it. Stop it. Forgive as you wish to be forgiven and I promise that tomorrow the sky will seem bluer and the sun warmer on your face.

It’s almost like forgiving people is selfish.